April 16, 2009

To without9regret

1. I have the flu. In spring. It is disgusting. So if you've noticed a lack of me, that's why.

2. Upon making a brief excursion to the Internet, I was greeted with a formidable wall of text in my inbox informing me of a new comment on this post.

There is seriously no way I can respond without dividing it up.

I honestly don't think that you have the first idea of what you are talking
about. I understand that you are feeling pain about your friend, and I
understand that you are having problems yourself coping with her death.

"Problems" seems a bit moderate...

I knew before I posted this piece that many people do not share my views. I'm not that ignorant.

People do not commit suicide to 'escape the pain' or they think that ther eis no
other way out. That is not true. I think that suicide is a cowards way with
dealing with things they are too weak to handle.

I've considered suicide many times. I SAW NO OTHER WAY OUT. I know full well what I think, but maybe I'm just weird. You are free to believe that suicide is an indication of a weak person or whatever you want, but am also free to think at this point that you have no idea what you're talking about.

There are logical, more helpful, more rational ways to deal with how you
are feeling than cutting a hole in your wrist and hoping that you die from it,
or taking too many pills, or drinking that bleach you store under your sink.

Yes, there are better ways, but the suicidal have (or felt like they have) exhausted them all.

Cutting has become a trend these days, a Fashion Statment.

Where'd this come from? I thought the topic was suicide. Self-injury is a coping mechanism, though not an especially healthy one.

I think that you should seriously just forget your argument right now because
you seriouslty have no idea what you are talking about. This is coming from me,
a person who has hurt herself, a person who has attempted suicide through pills
and razors. This is coming from a person who sees this, and hears about this
every day.

How much of this blog have you read? I too have hurt myself and been on the brink of suicide. I've lived under suicide's cloud for almost three years now, and it still affects me everyday. So I say that, from what I'm able to tell, you and I are in about the same situation. Through these long months, I've thought long and hard about life, death, and anguish, and I've come to my own careful conclusions. You just don't happen to agree with them. I must mention again that I know my own thought processes. I've never understood how someone who has attempted suicide in the past can come back and say that suicide is cowardly, selfish, and wrong in everyway- it must just be me again.


No person has the right to inflict pain on another person, and everyone is
entitled to the right to be happy.

So enlightened of you to think so. I'd rather like for everyone in the world to be happy, but sometimes we just can't help it.

Medication is not all it is cracked up tp be, nor is it the next big accessory
to any person's day. But, it is helpful. I am on a medication that has helped me
for a long time, so I can be a person to vouch for it. There is no reason to
deny or feel resentful or scared of a medication that can help you.

I suppose I should also take a walk outside and get some fresh air too? I am aware medication exists. I don't know where you got the idea that I'm against it, though...

Check out To Write Love on Her Arms and see what I am talking about.

I've been there. I think it's a lot of cheese and propaganda, but Alex really puts it the best.

And, the brain is NOT a big clump of grey matter. It is water and tissue, and
has every means necessary to mess with the chemicals in your body to create
feelings of sadness, and depression, and anxiety.

And? Is it a higher duty of mine to override these completely natural responses?

Sometimes treatment does not work for you, but you could work in the treatment.


Oh, I see... explanation down below.

I have been to a counselor and it didn't work, talking to friends or family
didn't work. I created something myself that helped me. One, I talked to my
doctor. Two, he put me on the medication I am on.

Makes me wonder how much is really self-initiated...

Three, I went to go see another councelor just to talk, but not to talk about my
problems (light conversation).

There are many people who I don't have to pay to talk with.

Four, I got a puppy. This gave me someone to live for, and someone to love me
for me, and not judge me.

The only reason I didn't kill myself that day is because I had someone to live for.

Five, I threw away my razor. Keeping that just brought back bad feelings.

Done it.

Six, I figured out through all of my progress the triggers in my life that set
me off. I hate being at home, I hate spending more time than I need to with my
mother, arguments, crowds, boredom.

I know what saddens me, but it is omnipresent and unavoidable for the most part. What I really want to do to get away from it all is curl up under a blanket for a few weeks, but most people agree that that would be travelling in an entirely wrong direction (See, I'm not presently suicidal!). (Although you could say I've effectively done just that, being sick and all.)

Make the treatment work for you. Suicide doesn't end pain, it creates more.


Please read this and this. At least.

I don't care if you want to arue with me, and I don't care what you say to or
about me. But, I know how you feel, and I don't lie about that.

I've gotten the vibe that you have no idea what makes me tick.

I have lost loved ones, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've been ripped
to pieces, and I have ripped myself to pieces, thinking I deserved it. Now,
I am spending my life trying to change it.

I want desperately to change, and I try very hard. It is part of the reason I started this blog, in fact. But I am immobilized and unable at times to move forward.

And I don't care if you say this is BS. And I typed this entire thing without
cursing once. That is a good thing for me because I really wanted to say a few
things to you at first, a few, very angry things to you...But, I dind't.

Good for you! Have a cookie.

Really... saying you want to say nasty(ier) things to me is almost the same as actually typing them. And if you don't care, why'd you spend 635 words trying to convince me that I am wrong about my situation? I've probably heard a lot worse directed at me, anyhow.

But that doesn't change that I really do think that most of this comment has been BS.

I hope that you are ok, and I am sorry about your friend. I am not offering pity
in the slightest, because no one wants pity.


Closing comments: the only reason I reply to these people is that I know they're sincerely trying to help, but are a tiny bit... misguided in their efforts.


  1. Heh, I keep having to remind myself that just because I have a mental illness doesn't mean I can't be bigoted about mental health. Some comments I've written I've looked back on to realise that they're the same simplistic bullshit I loathe.

    Personally I haven't graduated to bigoted comments yet. The worse I've gotten is someone who waves a PHD around like a badge and loves using ad hominem arguments against other religious beliefs.

    If they start to get out of hand, you might want to make a FAQ and just point them to that.

  2. This is really only the second one I've gotten like this.

  3. "I've never understood how someone who has attempted suicide in the past can come back and say that suicide is cowardly, selfish, and wrong in everyway- it must just be me again."

    I'm totally with you there, I completely fail to understand how someone who may have been depressed, suicidal etc. in the past but has come back from it can then condemn others for feeling the same way they once did. And what right would this person have to say angry things to you? I hate the way people feel that on the internet because they can hide who they are, they can speak about things they really seem to have no knowledge of and no right to comment accordingly.

    Hope your flu gets better soon.

  4. Two things:

    1. When you're writing about an emotive subject, you're bound to generate emotional responses. In a way, I think the fact you got a comment like this means you're doing it right.

    2. This person mentions how they've grown emotionally and changed their opinions, but doesn't seem to take into account that you're 17 and won't always think and feel the way you do now.

  5. I have recently found this blog and I too know what it's like to recieve comments such as this, some of them face-to-face.

    The problem is that there is so much stigma that surrounds this illness, and that's what it is, an illness. This isn't a fashion statement, it isn't a label we choose to wave around in people's faces, it is an illness, a crushing illness that through no fault of our own we have to suffer through.

    There is a culture it seems in teens where depression seems to be a mystical, artisitc, romantic state of mind. They go around brandishing red scars on their arms like medals and people think we are all attention seeking loners. This doesn't help those of us who suffer from this. If they want to be depressed so badly I would be willing to trade places with them without a second thought.

    Please don't let this comment get to you. People are entitled to their opinions, however misguided they may seem. Everyone deals with this condition differently and people find it harder to deal with than others, it's what makes us human. What works for one person doesn't work for the next.

    Hope this helps :)

  6. @ Hannah:
    People are just incoprhensible sometimes, especially on the Internet. I believe in free speech, which I practice, but I also believe in common courtesy, which I also (try to) practice. If someone dislikes me or my ideas, s/he should be allowed to say so.

    @ la:
    1. I suppose you're right. Sort of like my theory that only if someone's trying to ban a book is it worth reading.

    2. Few things annoy me more than people who think I don't want to change.

    @ Penguin:
    The counterculture you are mentioning is broadly called emo.

    I would NEVER wish depression on anyone, no matter what the circumstances.

    It is not regret his or herself that I find misguided, it is his or her comment. I write about how I am coping, and telling me that I'm not going about it the "right" way is irritating. I've survived, so I guess I've "made the treatment work for me" well enough, but apparently not well enough for this person.

  7. Mariah, I so appreciate your honesty and thank you for sharing.