February 6, 2008

Part Two

This is when the depression and loneliness began to set in. I spent weeks in hiding, mourning Eva’s death and what I could’ve done to prevent it. Even then, I knew nothing would’ve helped unless I had been told the reason. Those were dark days. Very dark days.

I saw no reason to go on living, seeing as my days were filled with nothing but misery, pain, suffering, and sadness. Martin tried to talk with me about it, but I ignored him. This was my private inner battle. He needed no part in it. The only way I could think of to end it was to join Eva and do what she did.

One week after that fateful summer’s day, I had the good fortune to be left alone at my house. My parents were both working; Martin was out with his girlfriend after apparently deciding I was beyond consolation; Naomi, Hayden, and Ben (my other siblings) were all elsewhere. Here was my chance to do what I felt I must.

Unlike Eva, I sat down to write my suicide note. It’s very short and goes like this:

Dear Everyone,
By the time you’ve read this, I will be dead. Please don’t think I did this because of something you’d done; no, it was my decision and mine alone.
I see no point in continuing my existence here in this cold, impersonal, and selfish world. If indeed there is an afterlife, I guess I will see you there.
Love always,

I finish signing my name with tears in my eyes. For some reason, I’d thought committing suicide would be easier than this.


I spin around. Martin is standing in the doorway. Why in the universes hadn’t I heard him come back?

“I didn’t go out; I’ve been watching you this whole time,” he says, answering my question. He is crying, and as I reach up to touch my face, I realize I am too.

“Mariah, please don’t do it. Please don’t murder yourself.”

Well, when he puts it THAT way…

Martin grabs me by the shoulders (he’s a lot taller than me). “Mariah, I know you’re doing this because of Eva. But it’s not going to take away from the amount of pain in the world- it’ll add to it. I’ll feel the same way you’re feeling now, and then what? I love you. Please don’t go.”

And then for the first time, a ray of light penetrates the massive dark cloud hanging over me, and I briefly feel a fierce desire to LIVE.

So that ends my story. I’m still struggling with the aftermath of it one year later, and I still have a lot of answered questions about why Eva left. I still imagine what might’ve happened had Martin not been there, but never in a million years would I want to change it.

My writing has played a huge role in my recovery, but still not as large as Martin’s. I would like to thank him now for saving my life. I would also like to thank everyone who has read this from start to finish.

I now know that I have no control over what has happened in the past, but I CAN change my future.

But my struggle simply didn't end there. This is only the very beginning. It may take a while for me to get the next bits up, for this was all I ever posted elsewhere.

I don't think I've said this anywhere, so I will now: Comments are both welcome and appreciated. I want to hear your thoughts.

1 comment:

  1. How wonderful of your brother. You are both fortunate to have each other.

    I am very moved by your story and feel just awful that you had to experience such turmoil so young. I am still very close to my best friend from high school, and I can barely imagine the pain you have gone through in losing yours -- to any cause, but especially to suicide.