September 14, 2008

A Living Miracle

Two years ago today I composed a suicide note.

Two years ago today I prepared to tie a noose.

And yet, I'm still alive.

Sometimes when I begin to loose faith in humankind and the world in general, which is more frequently than I would like, I look back and realize that I should consider the fact that I can feel my heart beating to be a miracle. I see life differently- I don't take it for granted, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to slog through it anyway.

I wish there was some way to find out if I would've carried out my plan if Martin wasn't there to intervene. Of course, that's about the most impossible thing on the planet, but it has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.

Martin. I don't know what I could ever do to repay him. I don't know if he knows how truly grateful I am (at the moment).

730 days I've lived into this new life, and I don't remember two thirds of them. Or I probably do, but I've shut them out.

And today is just another one. For all the spiralling emotions I felt on August 16, today is nothing. Another day to live.


But Eva... she isn't. And that's what affects me every single day.



  1. Another day alive is a good thing. I know I often don't believe that myself but it really really is. It's a good thing that someone was there to intervene, to save you.

    That picture made me really think. If I ever did do something then I'd like to think that I would say goodbye.

  2. I like to think that if I knew why Eva chose to do that I wouldn't be quite as messed up- as her reasons are probably much less to do with me than I keep imagining.

  3. That picture really made me think. Every time I have attempted I have gone through the note or no note qquestion and never written becasue I didnt think anyone would care enough. I know I am in a minority group with that idea because the crisis team, CPN and all were all rather shocked. I hope I never asttempt again, but that postcard will stick with me for a long time. Hannah X