September 7, 2008

In My Hands

Suicide, as an option, always stays in the back of my head.

There's at least one way out.

I hope I am never at the point of really considering it again, but the option is still there. I know it's sick and twisted of me to think, I could end my life any second; I could even end it now. The knowledge that I think these things scares me, as I am for the most part happier now than I've been in a long while. Why does it even come up?

Sometimes, I see a bottle of pills and in my mind they become a tool of destruction. It's dizzying to realize that all I could do is force them all down, and it would be over. Other times, there is a tiny, fleeting urge, only a millisecond long, to jump as I walk across a bridge.

Am I really so insecure that I need to feel this terrible sense of control over my life?

In response to everyone who wished me luck on starting the school year:
I'll live. I just don't find it enjoyable and feel that there are better things I could be doing with my time. I was quite baffled and touched by your concern.


  1. You've probably already considered this, but in case you haven't: possible radical alternatives to suicide include (a) dropping out of school, or (b) leaving school early and going to college early. Many state colleges will let you start when you're as young as ten. Or go to China (Korea, Vietnam, Mexico, Guatemala) and teach English for a year (though you might have to be 18 to do that).

    It sounds a bit irresponsible (especially the dropping out part), but sometimes having a concrete "ending it all" or at least "changing it all" alternative in your mind, other than suicide, can help you figure out what you really want.

  2. I am not presently suicidal.

    There are many, many other alternatives on any list, but the last one is nearly always "suicide."

    I do not believe my intense dislike of public schooling is that abnormal, and is not a quarter as bad as many things.

  3. La-
    Thanks for the bunny article. It was interesting.

    In my opinion, the only acceptable grounds they could have for removing the book would be if there was a cartoon of a rabbit jumping of a building and evidence that all the kids/teens had read it. I mean, getting chopped apart by helicopter blades? Most people do not have acess to suicide methods that... creative.