March 6, 2012

All Roads

Whoever devised the rules of the world sure had an odd sense of humor. Maybe life's just really a video game and every time I'm about to complete a level I screw up and get booted back to the starting point. In any case, here I am updating this blog in 2012.

I read these words and I know I wrote them, but it feels another lifetime ago (and damn, I was stupid when I was 16). And yet these recorded happenings are still a part of the same continuing story; life doesn't end when it stops being written down.

Even though everything's changed, everything's also stayed the same. Hello, my name is Mariah. I'm twenty [!!!] years old. Depression and suicide are part of my daily life. Blogger spellcheck still doesn't recognize my name. I suppose everyone has their own constants in life, but I don't know how they'd react if they knew mine.

I had to pep talk myself for a good hour before I got out of bed this morning. And once I accomplished that, all I did was eat pickles and doodle. And such is life. At this point, I don't think I have any clue how to live differently... and I'm too scared to try.

I called my brother last night. "Sorry for not calling you back," I said, half-assedly apologizing for the 3 months' worth of voicemail I'd put off, not because I'm busy (ha!) just that I couldn't be bothered. And then he tells me about the baby and I tell him about the lack of Wanted ads and I can't help but feel like I might as well be talking to the guy I was sitting next to on the bus a few days back, and gee aren't I a failure; I'm not even interested in my own niece. And I start to feel my eyes get prickly and I don't want to deal with a full on sob fest tonight so I make an excuse about something on the stove starting to burn.

/sporadic ramble


  1. Stick to it Mariah. Life is a shithole sometimes but it's worth sticking out for the good times.

    Sometimes it's hard to drag yourself out of that mode, I know.

    All I can say is find what makes you happy and go after that with your whole heart. Even if it takes you a whole lifetime just to find that, it will be worth it. Make that change right now and go look for it.

    Good luck with your endeavour Mariah, from the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best.

    With love,

    a stranger x

  2. I understand you... I can't be bothered with anything.

  3. Hey,
    I found your blog by searching 'cutting fun' or something equally silly. Your blog continues to inspire people as they find it (like I did) and I do not think it is stupid.
    I found your blog difficult to read, but very interesting. You are a good writer. So yeah, thanks :)

  4. Hey Mariah. It's good to know that you're still okay. I've read this blog from start to finish more than once. You are a true inspiration, and your strength has, in the past, saved my life.

    Thank you.

  5. I just wanted you to know that I enjoyed reading your blog. I mean not like I enjoyed reading your struggles and all..I mean I did can't explain. You're doing an amazing thing, writing this blog. It does help. I'm a current cutter and it makes me feel better that other people have gone through this.

    Just...thank you.

    Here's my cutter blog if you ever want to read it:

    -The girl who calls herself Aerith B.