Whoever devised the rules of the world sure had an odd sense of humor. Maybe life's just really a video game and every time I'm about to complete a level I screw up and get booted back to the starting point. In any case, here I am updating this blog in 2012.
I read these words and I know I wrote them, but it feels another lifetime ago (and damn, I was stupid when I was 16). And yet these recorded happenings are still a part of the same continuing story; life doesn't end when it stops being written down.
Even though everything's changed, everything's also stayed the same. Hello, my name is Mariah. I'm twenty [!!!] years old. Depression and suicide are part of my daily life. Blogger spellcheck still doesn't recognize my name. I suppose everyone has their own constants in life, but I don't know how they'd react if they knew mine.
I had to pep talk myself for a good hour before I got out of bed this morning. And once I accomplished that, all I did was eat pickles and doodle. And such is life. At this point, I don't think I have any clue how to live differently... and I'm too scared to try.
I called my brother last night. "Sorry for not calling you back," I said, half-assedly apologizing for the 3 months' worth of voicemail I'd put off, not because I'm busy (ha!) just that I couldn't be bothered. And then he tells me about the baby and I tell him about the lack of Wanted ads and I can't help but feel like I might as well be talking to the guy I was sitting next to on the bus a few days back, and gee aren't I a failure; I'm not even interested in my own niece. And I start to feel my eyes get prickly and I don't want to deal with a full on sob fest tonight so I make an excuse about something on the stove starting to burn.