"I don't even know if you'd [Eva] would recognize me. But the change is all because of you... We could've been different... It didn't have to end this way.
[Eva] why didn't you say something? You could've gotten help... I could've helped you. I thought we trusted each other.... Can't you remember the promise you asked me to keep?"
"I can pretend and go through the motions all I want, but I'm really not living. I feel so hollow inside, empty, except when pain and hate arrive. And most of the time it's better than feeling nothing at all..."
"It seems as if my world, or rather, my life, has been severely divided into two parts: Before and After. I do not need to think of them as anything else. I know what I mean.
Everything about them is different. Nothing is the same. To an outsider, it may be hard to realize that this is one girl's life, not two."
"Cold. Bleak. Miserable. That is my life."
"In the dark I can hide where nothing can find me- that includes reality, the past, the world which shuns me... In the dark there is me and only me."
"I'm unsure what I really want these days. I prefer anonymity sometimes, but it is often impossible as I seem to stick out like a pimple on a model's forehead."
"Sometimes I wonder how I'll end up. Will I go on and achieve great things, or will I sink and become one of those homeless druggies that everyone believes I am destined to be? Or worse yet, will I forever merge into the mass of the pathetic middle class whose lives revolve around the television? Any life would be better than that."
How do you feel when you read this stuff now? (If you don't mind me asking). How's school going these days? I remember you hating it before.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it feels as if there really is not much of a gap between then and now. The realization that I can still relate to what I wrote 2 years ago is troubling.
ReplyDeleteSchool is not worth mentioning.
Yes I suppose it is a bit, but there must be something of a gap? Maybe it's good that you realise that though?
ReplyDeleteI couldn't wait til the day I finished school, university is so much better.