August 7, 2013

Obsession

I know I'll kill myself someday. It's the only certain thing about my future, and it's still pretty vague. I don't know when I'll do it, or how I'll do it, or where I'll be. I don't know if it's going to happen three months from now, or thirty years.

I've become a weird curator of suicide trivia. I know how many aspirin I'd have to take, and I know all the things that can go wrong tying a noose. In the room I'm in right now, I can count five ways to off myself without leaving it. My death will be a decision, and an informed one at that, not merely some random flight of fancy.

Over the last seven years I've read so many accounts of those who very nearly succeeded in suicide, but where brought back from unconsciousness. Always, they express gratitude for survival. I wonder if they lie to the press, because suicide attempts are rarely one-off events. I know when the time comes for me, I'll feel relief in my final moments.

I walk over a bridge across a major river almost every day. An average of 12 people jump off the bridge each year. Sometimes I stop halfway across and face out into the river frothing a hundred feet below. I think that for someone not too long ago, perhaps even someone I have walked past on this bridge, this view was their last.

I never jump.

3 comments:

  1. Maria, I want to first say I am sorry you're feeling this way.
    I am feeling this way as well, but I am not going to die in a dignity lacking way. You know everyone dies sooner or later so there is no reason to be afraid of death but you need to know that life is what you make of it. (I am sure you have heard that phrase countless times). But it is true. Our mind is our window to reality. That's why there are such things as Illusions. As Niel DeGrasse Tyson has said, " they should be called brain failures!." Imagine you were half of your true self. The person you are right now is one-half of you. The other half is a god and is like an over soul looking at you but not necessarily after you. It is you. It stayed behind while you took on carnal life on your mother's womb. Remember there is a you with unmeasurable power and intelligence in a dimension that we can't connect with all the time. Trust yourself. Live to make yourself proud of all you have done. You don't lack anything.

    I would love to talk to you on IM. Maybe you can check my blog out and send me a message of your skype.
    :)

    I wish the best. The best is up to you and in your mind.



    http://www.CircadianLife.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi, my names Karl i have been reading your blog and i don't know why but i just had say i get it, if that makes sense i use my own blog exercise my inner demons ultimately once i put down the razorblade and rationalize pain and anguish. there is a lot of beauty in the darkness if you know where to look.
    you are an extremely intelligent individual. never jump always walk away that is by far the harder option. much luv Blackrose X

    ReplyDelete