November 25, 2008

The Eyes Have It

"Have you ever looked into a mirror and you didn't recognize the person staring back?

I know I've lost a lot of weight, and there's the obvious hair-shearing and face-piercing. Crusts of blood embellish my arms like wounds from a bear attack.

But this girl is still recognizable as me. That is, until I look her in the eyes, lusterless and blank. Suddenly I ask myself, Is this who I have become? Is this who I will live out the rest of my days as?

I know I can't go on like this. I know something, somehow, has to change."

- Written on February 7, 2007


I'm most likely going to be without Internet access for a few days; I've being forced to visit my horrid aunt, uncle, and cousins. Why they even want to see me I don't know, because by the end of my stay last winter they were all convinced I belonged to a Satanic cult. Maybe they just intend to convert me to their extreme Catholicism this time?

Happy Thanksgiving to the Americans in the crowd.


  1. Your words from Feb 2007 pain me and touch me. I hope that it is not who you are now. It sounds like it's not.

    Sorry you're going to be where you don't want to be for Thanksgiving. Hope you can be thankful anyway.

    I'll be thinking about you.

  2. That doesn't sound like it's going to be a fun trip! Hope things go better last time!
    Do you still feel how you felt when you wrote the above?

  3. The trip wasn't as bad as I expected (I didn't get murdered or thrown out), but it was far from enjoyable. I just tried to stay out of the way as much as possible, and refrained from throwing heavy items.

    And as awful as it was, I still have plenty to be thankful for; the fact that I'm alive, for example. :)

    Life is a process; I am ever evolving and changing. I will never be the Mariah I was before suicide, because I have left her behind in the past. Hopefully, I will never be as desolate and hopeless as the Mariah of February 2007.