I don't know what the matter has been with me lately. For the last couple of weeks or so, I've been blowing people off for no reason. I just don't want to go do anything or see anyone. An ideal day, or all I feel like doing today, would be to sleep, drifting in and out of subconsciousness.
I called in sick to work today, and I have no desire to meet a friend at the movie theatre tonight as planned, or to go work out at the gym like I usually do every day. And it's not just limited to the "real world"- I've been closing online accounts like mad. But why? I can't say, really... I just want to.
I'm feeling empty and hollow, tears barely kept under the surface perpetually, again; the last time this happened was last September-October. And then again for a few days at the end of December. But that was right around Eva's birthday, so I think I know why that was. The September-October thing came straight out of the blue, like this. It was during that time I last self-injured.
I don't understand. Why now? Several projects I'd been working on had been going well, and I hadn't been missing Eva any more than usual. Damn, it's not August yet...
There's a world outside the window, but I don't care for it today.
It's days like this I realize how lonely I feel all the time. Of course, you're probably now thinking something along the lines of, Well, then why are you cancelling all your opportunities for social interactions? The answer is, of course, that I don't know.
Maybe it's because I don't really know any of those people. Oh, they're fun to chit-chat with or whatever, but I don't seen them understanding my present moodiness, except maybe the one I was going to go to the movies with. She probably would, but I wouldn't feel comfortable explaining to her.
Therein lies the problem. There's a good number of people, generally very nice and everything, whom I consider acquaintances, and there's only two who I call my friends (this includes the one who I was supposed to meet tonight.) Even though I've known most of these "acquaintances" for a year or more, I can't get past the "Hi, how are you?" stage to have meaningful conversations. Why? Because I'm afraid to. Afraid I don't know them well enough. Afraid they'll betray me. Afraid they'll think I'm a nutcase.
All the time, I see people becoming best friends practically overnight. And I stand, absolutely clueless as to how that happens.
I am not exactly appreciative of life at the moment.