May 15, 2008

Midnight Rant

Important note: This was written sometime in November. My current feelings are not necessarily still as follows (and yes, I know the POV in this one is hard to follow.)

But as bad as the days are, the nights are usually worse.

It's so quiet, a covering of glass I am afraid to break. There is nothing to distract me, and I do my best thinking in the hours between midnight and 4 AM. But that's just it, really: during the day when I can distract myself by going about what most call "life," but, when the night descends, I'm left alone to dwell with what I fear the most- myself.

Yes, I'm afraid to let myself THINK. I'm afraid to let myself remember. Only then do I truly still want to die. Reflection brings back nothing but horror.

[Eva]... oh, [Eva]! You're only one person in a world of billions, I know, but yet you were my life, and then destroyed it. Whatever happened to the future?

No... the thought is too horrible to stray outside my mind. But I know that unless I somehow let it out it will plague me for endless nights. I must... but I can't. It'd be a disgrace to her memory!

Calm yourself, Mariah. Yes, my heart is thumping wildly.

[Eva,] I'm so sorry to say it, but perhaps it was for my better that you left? See, horrible, isn't it? But really, in the result of your absence, I have learned so much and met so many amazing people never would've otherwise.

No, Mariah! You mustn't think it was worth it! Think about what else you did too!

Horrid nights. Nights of terror and pain. It's a trade-off, I guess. I don't mean to put down the wonderful friends I have now, but this is [EVA] here. [Eva] and Mariah, best friends forever. I miss those long-ago days. though in reality it's been a mere fifteen months.

I never would've been able to see myself like this. Not only without her, but so broken...

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