What if I'm wrong?

I can see a broad vista stretched horizon to horizon, and I can only run forward. But I also know that I will have to stop after a few miles, leaving much of the expanse untouched.

It's easy to say that the grass will aways be greener elsewhere from whatever path I choose. One can just as easily say that if I proceed carefully enough, I should be able to find the greenest grass.

Has anyone in history ever made an important decision and felt 100% sure that it was the right choice? Can someone be completely free of small twinges of regret and second-guesses? If it's over and done with, it shouldn't matter, but it is in the nature of humans to wonder, What if?

"That it's now in the past makes no difference."

Cast:
MARIAH, age 17, author of The Suicide List
MR. NOSE,* Mariah's school counselor
*name has been changed to protect the person's identity

(Scene opens on January 27, 2009. MARIAH and MR. NOSE are sitting in Mr. Nose's tiny, cluttered office. MR. NOSE looks a little flustered, and MARIAH is slouched down in her chair.)

MR. NOSE: But, doesn't it bother you that you don't know where you'll be in two years?

MARIAH: Not really. I had no idea I'd be here two years ago. Besides, I'm working on it.

MR. NOSE: (sighs) There's a lot you should've done to prevent this, Mariah. You could've attended 4-year class planning sessions freshmen year. You should have had a university and major chosen by last year. I know you were fully capable of passing those classes as well.

MARIAH: That's all in the past. And, if I should've had all this figured out three years ago, then why do such a large portion of students change majors?

MR. NOSE: (ignores her question) That it's now in the past makes no difference. You still didn't do those things.

MARIAH: (rolls eyes) Do you have a time machine I can borrow, then?

MR. NOSE: I'd think you are old enough to know that the world doesn't revolve around you.

MARIAH: Indeed, it doesn't. It revolves around the sun. And I am also old enough to realize that a person's success at life can't be measured purely by academic achievements.

MR. NOSE: (raises eyebrow) It can't?

MARIAH: You've obviously never spoken with the football players on this subject. Or teenagers in general, for that matter.

MR. NOSE: Are you trying to get sent to ISS?

MARIAH: Yes.

MR. NOSE: Watch your mouth, young lady.

MARIAH: When you were in high school, did you want to be a high school counselor?

(MR. NOSE becomes very uncomfortable, and sends MARIAH to ISS. Scene closes)

The First Cut

EXTREMELY graphic/triggering material below!!

I don't remember the date; I don't even remember if there was a specific event that provoked me.

Something was wrong: I was numb when I had become accustomed to feeling anger and pain. It was unsettling, rather than a relief. Maybe I thought that since I wasn't feeling anything, I had to inflict pain to feel "normal" again. I don't know.

For some reason, I always relive this scene in the third person. As I type, there is a comfortable, unfeeling void between me and the me of the past. We are eons away emotionally.

She takes a nail file and rubs it against the delicate skin of her left wrist. The first layer of skin quickly disappears, revealing new, pink, baby skin underneath. She forces the file against her wrist a little harder, and the first drops of blood emerge.

She sees the blood, but she feels no pain. A dim gleam of satisfaction is beginning to grow deep in her stomach, though. It rises, as she takes the point of the file and jabs it into her flesh. She feels exhilarated like she hasn't in months. She is as free as the blood dripping into the white faux-marble sink. She is in control. She can let out her own blood.

Ten minutes later, she cries confused tears.

The next night, she goes at her skin with a razor blade.

She's hooked.

I have a collection of scars on my left wrist. They are the only proof that she and I are one and the same.

And Music Makes Me Cry.... Again

Reason not to become a rock star #18: regurgitation.

There should be a law against this stuff.

There are music samples on all the pages, in case you or your friend have accidentally ingested poison and need to induce puking.

First up, we have Harptallica! Judging from the name, there really aren't any surprises as to what this is- two girls playing Metallica on harps. The result is something they would play in nursing homes.

Imagine Green Day without guitars, drums, or vocals. Then put it into the background of a cheesy, feel-good Christmas movie. Having trouble? I would've too, until I heard Green Days of Christmas. Yeesh. And why is Jesus of Suburbia only three minutes long?

And then there's one big offender here: Rockabye Baby! They have released "covers" (I use this term very loosely here) of many popular groups, including Green Day (poor, poor Green Day! They've made it twice into this post.); Nirvana, The Rolling Stones (at least the cover on this one's mildly amusing); Led Zeppelin; Pink Floyd (there's something more than a little disturbing about tucking your kid in at night to "Mother"); and many others. It appears that no one has been spared.

Say What?

From the Daily Mail online: Depression is good for you.

Yes, it's the Daily Mail, but.... Maybe they really mean "an occasional case of the blues."

Wait. They don't.

Quote:
Paul Keedwell, a psychiatrist at Cardiff University, says even full-blown depression may save us from the effects of long-term stress.

Answering Questions from Suicide.org

First of all, a belated apology to anyone who has arrived here from The-F-Word.org. I have no idea why I am linked there. This blog has very little to do with self-image and eating disorders.

A few nights ago, I was reading some older posts on The View From Hell. One post was a response to Suicide.org's contributor Kevin Caruso on his opinion that suicide can never be morally justified (page here). The Curator answers these questions excellently, but I thought I'd give them a go with my own opinions.

Suicide.org is not a unwholesome website; there's actually some useful information on there. Some of the "articles," though, are written in this awful tone as if the reader is three years old and only has a vague idea of what suicide is.

Do you have the right to devastate your family?

Yes I do. Plenty of young people devastate their families by marrying drug addicts, moving across the country, dropping out of school, and dying by causes other than suicide, for example. They are within their rights to do as they please, and I am no different than they.

Do you have the right to cause intense, almost unbearable pain for all of the loved ones that you leave behind?

See answer to above question.

Do you have the right to take away any possibility that you would get better?

One of the main reasons people have for committing suicide (yes, I use that and I don't find it offensive) is that they need to escape pain and see no other options. The idea is that if you're dead, you cease to exist, and don't feel anything at all. Death effectively terminates any chance of it getting worse too.

Do you have the right to take away all of the wonderful things in life that you have yet to experience?

Depression wouldn't be so unbearable if things could still be wonderful, would it? Again, I have a right to do as I choose. For example, my favorite food is chocolate ice cream. In my opinion, eating it can be described as a pleasing experience. However, no one can stop me if I decide to dump it down the drain, depriving myself of the pleasure of enjoying it.

Do you have the right to take an action that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem?

Who's to say that these feelings will be temporary? And if they are temporary, I'm not ever going to find out that I could've ended differently if I'm dead.

Do you have the right to cause irreversible brain damage to yourself if your suicide is not completed?

Ideally, the suicide will be completed, but as we all know, the world is not perfect. Obviously, I don't care enough for my body as it is to hang myself/shoot myself/slit open my wrists. The brain is a clump of grey matter.

Do you have the right to cause yourself to become disfigured if your suicide is not completed?

People have a right to do this:

Need I say more?

Do you have the right to cause yourself permanent paralysis if your suicide is not completed?
As far as I am concerned, if I for some reason wanted to, I could destroy my spinal cord. But then again, I don't want to. If I were to attempt suicide, I'd rather it be successful.

Do you have the right to end your life instead of focusing on ending your pain? (It is the pain that you want to end, not your life.)
Sometimes, all other available methods of coping with and trying to end pain have been tried unsuccessfully. Suicide ends pain, but it has the ugly side effect of ending life as well. And how do you know what I want to end anyway?

Do you have the right to not receive treatment for the mental illness that you probably have -- the treatment that will make you better?

"Mental illness" are just words. The pain is very real. Let's say I have been in treatment and it hasn't done anything for me, which has been known to happen. This pretty much nullifies the question.

I would also like to answer every question on this page with the same answer: I could, but I wouldn't want to unless I feel that this person, for whatever reason, deserves or he/she/society would benefit from it.

Stages

The worst thing about depression is knowing that at one point, you were different than this. You know what's it's like to be excited and generally optimistic. You know that life for many people is, no matter how much they complain, better.

You know that you're depressed and that this is no way to live.

But the current is too strong to swim against even if you tried. You see life slip away and fade, leaving only memories of a time before the monster.

Soon, you don't see a reason to go back. We all know depression-free is more habitable, but why take back what you have lost, if you can even find it? And all that effort? Blech.

It is easier to simply float through existence, bleak and gloomy as it may be.

And then you begin to forget what it was like to not only cry, but to laugh. And that is when you have lost yourself in the folds of darkness.

What is this world coming to?

A cover of The Who's "My Generation" by Hillary Duff

*weeps*

Selfish, Take Three

This is not quite like attempts one and two.

I created a poem from the opinions of the masses (yes, Yahoo! Answers again).

It is mostly word mash.

the most lonely decision

Suicide

an act of desperation

self murder

what do you think? selfish, or not?

"Suicide" is a self-centered, cowardly act!

it takes a real bravery to live.

to live is not just to exist

Others may start to feel guilty

be devastated

you took your life from them

the most self-centered way possible

type of thing isn't what you think about

severely depressed

mental illness...where their brains are diseased

Drugs can sometimes make it worse too

I don't think depression takes over rational thought.

we don't know how death is

Deliberately taking a bullet for someone is suicide

don't expect pity and sorrow from me

people who commit suicide want to be found

selfish for making them stay

burden on society

suicides as cowardly sins

the need to end it all

emotionally unstable

Ending your life is never about you.

suicidal tendencies are only thinking of themselves

so what makes you special?

the person who does it has his/her brain damaged

it must be hell

one less mouth to feed. one less leech

resources exist to get help

one of the ten commandments is thou shall not kill

giving up on life

most people can't imagine the level of grief or sadness a person can get to

suicide is a justifiable choice

"honorable" exit

people who arent strong enough to make it thru lifes trials

are cowards

Selfish, yes. Stupid, yes.

everybody is selfish

life in any form is better than no life

stigma attached to suicide

associated with shame

a cop out

hopelessness

EXCUSES

why go on?

Would Ebenezer Scrooge, for instance, just off himself one day because he's that selfish?

Life seems to me to be a gift; if I didn't like the gift though, I doubt I'd keep it.

ungrateful...

My fiance shot himself in the head when I was 18. I'm almost 24 now and it still effects every aspect of my life.

Fresh

The Romans had a god, Janus, who had two faces. One looked forward, and the other peered behind into the past. Sometimes, the forward face is depicted as a youth, and the backward one as an old man. The god of doorways and gates, and of beginnings and endings, it is from his name that the word janitor is derived; and of course the month of January, in which we celebrate the new year.

Not much has changed. Many spend the evening of December 31st reflecting upon the year past, and resolving to make the next year better. The last two years, I resolved to keep on going. It's all I could really ask of myself, I guess. But I'm past that now.

I spent the last two New Years' alone. But tonight I was with friends, laughing and having the best time I've had in, well, ages. It's a shame some of us have to work a 6 AM shift and had to break it up so early. I hope so much that this year will be different.

The new year is fresh, still in its first hour. There's been no disasters to marr it.

Yet.

But for the time being, I can enjoy the sparkling cleanness.