Ick.

The flu has apparently progressed into pneumonia. Bear with me. Normal posting will resume when I stop coughing up bloody mucus.

In the mean time, please enjoy this video which has been in my YouTube favorites for quite some time:

To without9regret

1. I have the flu. In spring. It is disgusting. So if you've noticed a lack of me, that's why.

2. Upon making a brief excursion to the Internet, I was greeted with a formidable wall of text in my inbox informing me of a new comment on this post.

There is seriously no way I can respond without dividing it up.

I honestly don't think that you have the first idea of what you are talking
about. I understand that you are feeling pain about your friend, and I
understand that you are having problems yourself coping with her death.

"Problems" seems a bit moderate...

I knew before I posted this piece that many people do not share my views. I'm not that ignorant.

People do not commit suicide to 'escape the pain' or they think that ther eis no
other way out. That is not true. I think that suicide is a cowards way with
dealing with things they are too weak to handle.

I've considered suicide many times. I SAW NO OTHER WAY OUT. I know full well what I think, but maybe I'm just weird. You are free to believe that suicide is an indication of a weak person or whatever you want, but am also free to think at this point that you have no idea what you're talking about.

There are logical, more helpful, more rational ways to deal with how you
are feeling than cutting a hole in your wrist and hoping that you die from it,
or taking too many pills, or drinking that bleach you store under your sink.

Yes, there are better ways, but the suicidal have (or felt like they have) exhausted them all.

Cutting has become a trend these days, a Fashion Statment.

Where'd this come from? I thought the topic was suicide. Self-injury is a coping mechanism, though not an especially healthy one.

I think that you should seriously just forget your argument right now because
you seriouslty have no idea what you are talking about. This is coming from me,
a person who has hurt herself, a person who has attempted suicide through pills
and razors. This is coming from a person who sees this, and hears about this
every day.

How much of this blog have you read? I too have hurt myself and been on the brink of suicide. I've lived under suicide's cloud for almost three years now, and it still affects me everyday. So I say that, from what I'm able to tell, you and I are in about the same situation. Through these long months, I've thought long and hard about life, death, and anguish, and I've come to my own careful conclusions. You just don't happen to agree with them. I must mention again that I know my own thought processes. I've never understood how someone who has attempted suicide in the past can come back and say that suicide is cowardly, selfish, and wrong in everyway- it must just be me again.

Onward.

No person has the right to inflict pain on another person, and everyone is
entitled to the right to be happy.

So enlightened of you to think so. I'd rather like for everyone in the world to be happy, but sometimes we just can't help it.

Medication is not all it is cracked up tp be, nor is it the next big accessory
to any person's day. But, it is helpful. I am on a medication that has helped me
for a long time, so I can be a person to vouch for it. There is no reason to
deny or feel resentful or scared of a medication that can help you.

I suppose I should also take a walk outside and get some fresh air too? I am aware medication exists. I don't know where you got the idea that I'm against it, though...

Check out To Write Love on Her Arms and see what I am talking about.

I've been there. I think it's a lot of cheese and propaganda, but Alex really puts it the best.

And, the brain is NOT a big clump of grey matter. It is water and tissue, and
has every means necessary to mess with the chemicals in your body to create
feelings of sadness, and depression, and anxiety.

And? Is it a higher duty of mine to override these completely natural responses?

Sometimes treatment does not work for you, but you could work in the treatment.

????

Oh, I see... explanation down below.

I have been to a counselor and it didn't work, talking to friends or family
didn't work. I created something myself that helped me. One, I talked to my
doctor. Two, he put me on the medication I am on.

Makes me wonder how much is really self-initiated...

Three, I went to go see another councelor just to talk, but not to talk about my
problems (light conversation).

There are many people who I don't have to pay to talk with.

Four, I got a puppy. This gave me someone to live for, and someone to love me
for me, and not judge me.

The only reason I didn't kill myself that day is because I had someone to live for.

Five, I threw away my razor. Keeping that just brought back bad feelings.

Done it.

Six, I figured out through all of my progress the triggers in my life that set
me off. I hate being at home, I hate spending more time than I need to with my
mother, arguments, crowds, boredom.

I know what saddens me, but it is omnipresent and unavoidable for the most part. What I really want to do to get away from it all is curl up under a blanket for a few weeks, but most people agree that that would be travelling in an entirely wrong direction (See, I'm not presently suicidal!). (Although you could say I've effectively done just that, being sick and all.)

Make the treatment work for you. Suicide doesn't end pain, it creates more.

*sigh*

Please read this and this. At least.

I don't care if you want to arue with me, and I don't care what you say to or
about me. But, I know how you feel, and I don't lie about that.

I've gotten the vibe that you have no idea what makes me tick.

I have lost loved ones, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've been ripped
to pieces, and I have ripped myself to pieces, thinking I deserved it. Now,
I am spending my life trying to change it.

I want desperately to change, and I try very hard. It is part of the reason I started this blog, in fact. But I am immobilized and unable at times to move forward.

And I don't care if you say this is BS. And I typed this entire thing without
cursing once. That is a good thing for me because I really wanted to say a few
things to you at first, a few, very angry things to you...But, I dind't.

Good for you! Have a cookie.

Really... saying you want to say nasty(ier) things to me is almost the same as actually typing them. And if you don't care, why'd you spend 635 words trying to convince me that I am wrong about my situation? I've probably heard a lot worse directed at me, anyhow.

But that doesn't change that I really do think that most of this comment has been BS.

I hope that you are ok, and I am sorry about your friend. I am not offering pity
in the slightest, because no one wants pity.

FIN.

Closing comments: the only reason I reply to these people is that I know they're sincerely trying to help, but are a tiny bit... misguided in their efforts.

Fragments: December 2006- March 2007

"I don't even know if you'd [Eva] would recognize me. But the change is all because of you... We could've been different... It didn't have to end this way.

[Eva] why didn't you say something? You could've gotten help... I could've helped you. I thought we trusted each other.... Can't you remember the promise you asked me to keep?"


"I can pretend and go through the motions all I want, but I'm really not living. I feel so hollow inside, empty, except when pain and hate arrive. And most of the time it's better than feeling nothing at all..."

"It seems as if my world, or rather, my life, has been severely divided into two parts: Before and After. I do not need to think of them as anything else. I know what I mean.

Everything about them is different. Nothing is the same. To an outsider, it may be hard to realize that this is one girl's life, not two."

"Cold. Bleak. Miserable. That is my life."

"In the dark I can hide where nothing can find me- that includes reality, the past, the world which shuns me... In the dark there is me and only me."

"I'm unsure what I really want these days. I prefer anonymity sometimes, but it is often impossible as I seem to stick out like a pimple on a model's forehead."

"Sometimes I wonder how I'll end up. Will I go on and achieve great things, or will I sink and become one of those homeless druggies that everyone believes I am destined to be? Or worse yet, will I forever merge into the mass of the pathetic middle class whose lives revolve around the television? Any life would be better than that."