See ya'll in 2009!

To Anonymous

I received a comment this morning on an old post buried way back in the archives. I'd like to answer some of the questions posed to me here.

Hey Mariah. I'm going off topic here. As a warning, I've read nothing of your
blog. Well, two posts. But really, nothing. I plan on asking a poorly worded
question, that has been asked many times before. It will be so poorly worded, it
will probably be at least a little offensive.

I know one of the two posts read, but I'm quite curious as to what the other one is. Either way, the first one wasn't exactly a prime sample of what is usually written about on this blog. Thanks for stating that you know the question is probably going to be offensive.

When do you plan on getting past this? Your side bar summery thingy says your
friend died two years ago and you're still searching for answers. Do you plan on
finding them? Two years is a lot of thinking... Will you find them within ten
years? It just seems like you're dwelling on it too much. Especially since you
made an entire blog on it. How can you get past something that you're constantly
updating?

If getting past depression was a choice, I'd choose leaving it in the dust in a second. Some things will never be answered, but I can try to find possible answers. If you read carefully, you will notice that these are questions I frequently pose to myself.

There is a reason a do not often write about the first year after Eva's suicide... Life generated more questions then.

Again, I do not consciously choose to think about depression and suicide- they are the unfortunate realities of my life. But there is much more in my life as well. I have many other interests (music, sci-fi, ethics, paleoanthropology, et al); I just don't write about them here. This blog is one-dimensional, and that's what I intend.

In these two years, I've decided that this "getting over" is a process, not an event. I document the process.

Offtopic from this offtopic post, Have you seen "The Bridge"? Since you like to
dwell on suicide, This is your kind of movie. It's a documentary about how the
Golden Gate Bridge is the most popular place to commit suicide. There are
interviews with the family, and actual footage of them going off. I'd really
look into it. There's no sarcasm here. It's famous enough to find online if you
can't find it in a store somewhere.

No, I have not watched it.

I repeat: I do not LIKE to dwell on suicide. Do you intentionally spend a lot of time thinking about whatever it is that bothers you (complaining teenagers on the Internet, etc.)?

I am not entirely sure what I would gain from watching this film. I am also not sure if you're suggesting that I would benefit from seeing that I am not the only one in turmoil, and after realizing this through a film would shut up.

I am fully aware.

And eeehm, on topic, I would think those people made up a minority.

Yeah. And so did the Nazis.

21

Eva was born December 21, 1991.

On December 21, 1996, I caught my own hair on fire.

On December 21, 2000, Eva, myself, and fifteen other girls caused general havoc in the Symthes' basement.

On December 21, 2003, the number had been reduced to 6 total.

On December 21, 2005, Eva and I stayed up all night just talking.

December 21, 2006 was one of the worst days of my life. I was alone.

On December 21, 2007, I was a hairbreadth away from cutting.

Today is December 21, 2008 and the first night of Hanukkah, which I really do not feel like participating in.

Eva stays the same in my memories, while I change. One thing that has struck me especially in these last few months is how young Eva died. She'd be turning seventeen now, which is still very young in the grand scale of things, but she didn't even live to see fifteen. She never began the ninth grade. We were just kids. And sometimes I still feel like one.

Top 10 Depression Blogs of 2008

The Suicide List has been included on Psych Central's Top Ten Depression Blogs of 2008. The others are Postpartum Progress, Depression Marathon, The Splintered Mind, Beyond Blue, Storied Mind, A Beautiful Revolution, Letters from Exile, Avoidance Junkie, and Chunks of Reality. Walking the Black Dog, Fighting the Urge, and His and Hers Depression Blog received honorable mentions. Congrats to all!

Blogs are human documents. A psychology textbook can tell you how a depressed person thinks, but it cannot tell you what it's like living with depression. This is what I think draws me and many others to the medium.

If you want to know what a day in the life of a single mother raising two sons in Ohio is like, chances are there's someone out there writing a blog about it. The Internet, while often painted in a negative light of a sprawling, lawless, intellectual wasteland, I know it can create amazing connections between people living on opposite sides of the planet, and foster greater understanding of different lifestyles and people- especially those that do not get much mainstream media attention.

*hides*

...

Someone accessed my blog from a computer at my school.

It was a Google Image search, so I'm hoping they got what they needed and left.

I'm really regretting using my real name. I hope they didn't recognize me.

On Desperation and Bravery: Wisdom From YouTube

From the comments of this video (I am not any of these people):

this song makes me wanna kill myself im bored as hell no1 likes me and ive always wondered wot happens wen u dye hmmm unless im convinced within the next week cya l8r world ( oh and nice song btw )

you have to be real brave to commit suicide, so it might be a lot harder to do than what you might think

Or really stupid, or really desperate.

desperate for what? your dead...and stupid? nah...smart maybe, if they are considering it they have experienced great pain...something you wouldnt know about, unless you've expieranced it yourself, so to all people who have acually been able to do this, congrats, R.I.P. cuz you deserve it

My brother killed himself, he was not brave and he was far from clever. He drove off a cliff in fear of going to prison, of dissapointing us all - Suicide is not glorious and you should never make it out to be. These people are scared and desperate, just like my brother.

nah your wrong you dont know what your talking about just cuz your brother did it for that reason doesnt mean everyone does it for that reason. Better reasons1. When people hate you, everyone and you just want to get back at them and shoot them, instead of killing 50 ppl you kill yourself (1person)2. Emotional pain is greater than any other, no pain is greater...and something you can only understand if your exp yourself...

When people hate you? People are always going to hate you at some stage, but there are people that love you too, and love is greater than hate. Emotional pain? You don't think I was hurting to see my only brother kill himself? I've been through it, i've come out the other side a better person - suicide is a cry for help, a last resort...even then it cant be justified.

about ur comment about god not loving us he does he gave us free will and choices have u ever heard of miracles retard? god is angry at the world for all the crap we screwd up with do u see him destroying every1? i understand the suicide part ive felt it myself but my god. u have some problems if u think god hates us

yeah you gotta be brave to do it. but if your stupid enough to not think about your friends well then you deserve to have you life taken. no offence to all the people whohave done it. im sorry if it sounds mean. but your stupid if you kill your self and not care about the people around you...

ya but that part that you probably dont know...is that most people do it because either 1. they have no friends. or 2. because their "friends" arent really that good of friends and are the reason why they are so depressed, and sometimes they feel like thats the only way to get out, or sometimes the only way of revenge to their "friends"

Personally, I wonder what the person whose lines I've left the default color's life story is.

I'm Still Alive... Barely

I come home from school, throw the backpack on the floor and lie down on my bed watching the room slowly darken.

This weekend, I've slept over 24 hours, and yet I'm still so tired.

I've stopped eating again. I know I should, but everything tastes like Styrofoam.

I lack motivation to move, to breathe. At least breathing's semi-automatic.

I pick the scab off my leg (which was originally from an accident) and widen the wound.

I'm neglecting a pile of email and phone calls.

I'm neglecting my life, pushing it away for another day. I think, "Oh, I'll feel up to it tomorrow," but I know tomorrow will be more of the same.

And what for? How much longer will this drag on? Why did this suddenly start? It was much more than seven days until Eva's birthday a week ago...

I'm trapped within myself.

Hopefully I'll be able to come back soon.

Does ANYONE get this?

http://superbad.com

It starts making sense, and then suddenly doesn't...

WARNING: this website is strangely addicting