This is only a microfraction that of the material that exists.
Help, don't hurt.
Those who are suicidal often feel as if they are alone. This sort of attitude doesn't help.
February 28, 2008
The Public Reaction
As demonstrated in the previous post, people's reactions to mentions of suicide are often less than favorable. The sort of situation in the post is repeated many times in the "real world" and on the Internet. Sometimes I thing the online bullying is worse, due to the option of being anonymous. (I know some of the images are too big for the page. I'm too lazy to resize them at the moment, but if you click on them, you can view them full-size.)
This is only a microfraction that of the material that exists.
Help, don't hurt.
Those who are suicidal often feel as if they are alone. This sort of attitude doesn't help.
This is only a microfraction that of the material that exists.
Help, don't hurt.
Those who are suicidal often feel as if they are alone. This sort of attitude doesn't help.
February 21, 2008
Random Outrage
Last night, I was on YouTube enjoying the wonderful music video "In the End" by Linkin Park (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIwWqYSbzGA). I do not normally read or post many comments, but my eyes happened to drift down the page.
One user posted that she sometimes felt as if the song was very true sometimes for her.
Someone posted that if she thought the world was so awful she could and kill herself.
The first user tried to explain that she was 13 and two of her friends had been raped, one of them had committed suicide, and the other was thinking about it.
The other person insulted her further.
Another user and I both told the offending commenter to fuck off and that similar things have happened in our lives.
Thankfully, s/he stayed quiet after that.
Situations like this are exactly the type of thing I am trying to prevent by writing this blog. This is why so many feel as if they have no support; heartless people judging others simply because they don't understand their troubles or find the issues creepy.
Please. When people are going through rough times, don't make them even harder.
One user posted that she sometimes felt as if the song was very true sometimes for her.
Someone posted that if she thought the world was so awful she could
The first user tried to explain that she was 13 and two of her friends had been raped, one of them had committed suicide, and the other was thinking about it.
The other person insulted her further.
Another user and I both told the offending commenter to fuck off and that similar things have happened in our lives.
Thankfully, s/he stayed quiet after that.
Situations like this are exactly the type of thing I am trying to prevent by writing this blog. This is why so many feel as if they have no support; heartless people judging others simply because they don't understand their troubles or find the issues creepy.
Please. When people are going through rough times, don't make them even harder.
February 20, 2008
Self-Injury
First, what is it?
By definition, then, a person who self-injures is not immediately suicidal, but it is frequent among severly depressed teens.
What do they do?
The injuries inflicted are only as varied and creative as the injurers themselves. However, common methods include: hitting, scratching, choking by constriction of airway, biting one's own body, picking at and re-opening old wounds, hair pulling, stabbing with wire, pins, paper clips, and other sharp objects, burning (such as cigarette burns), ingesting chemicals or batteries, self-poisoning (OD'ing without the intent of dying on something like pills or alcohol), and self-starvation.
Other activities (such as alcolholism and bulimia) could technically be listed as well, as they bring great harm, but the term SI or SH is generally used for cutting, bruising, scratching behaviors and the like.
Who does it?
Since many self-injurers conceal their injuries, it is impossible to get a solid, concrete numbers. Based on hospital records, psychiatric samples, and general population surveys, it appears that more women self-injure than men, and it is more frequent in younger people. It is estimated in the UK that between 1 in 12 and 1 in 15 people aged 11-25 self-injure. In the US, a study of undergraduates revealed that 9.8% had purposely cut or burned themselves in the past. When the definition of SI was expanded to include head-banging, scratching, and hitting oneself, the numbers rose to 32%.
And lastly, why would anyone ever do this?
This is the big one. I have known many teens (including myself) who have or do self-injure(d), mostly cutting or scratching. Again, the motives are unique to each individual, but some reasons include (bolded are the ones I have seen as more common):
1. Self-injury can temporarily relieve intense feelings, pressure or anxiety.
2. Self-injury may provide a sense of being real, being alive – of feeling something, even pain. It eases the emptiness many feel.
3. Injuring oneself is a way to externalize emotional internal pain – to feel pain on the outside instead of the inside.
4. Self-injury is a way to control and manage pain – unlike the pain experienced through physical or sexual abuse.
5. Self-injury is a way to break emotional numbness (the self-anesthesia that allows someone to cut without feeling the same sense of pain).
6. Self-abuse is self-soothing behavior for someone who does not have other means to calm intense emotions.
7. Self-injury (especially cutting) can leave traces of blood and wounds that may act as a visual form of calming.
8. Self-loathing – some self-injurers are punishing themselves for having strong feelings (which they were/are usually not allowed to express), or for a sense that somehow they are bad and undeserving (an outgrowth of abuse and a belief that it was deserved).
9. Self-battery is often inflicted due to anger towards the person's own actions, such as losing a job or failing a test.
10. Self-injury followed by tending to wounds is a way to express self-care, to be self-nurturing, for someone who never learned how to do that in a more direct way.
11. For some harming oneself can be a way to draw attention to the need for help, to ask for assistance in an indirect way, often because they know no other way or are scared to ask for help. Those with chronic, repetitive self injury do not want attention and hide their scars carefully.
12. Sometimes self-injury is an attempt to affect others – to manipulate them, make them feel guilty or bad, make them care, or make them go away, but this is not nearly as frequent as stereotypes suggest.
13. Intense pain can lead to the release of endorphins and therefore become a means of seeking pleasure.
Cutting and other forms of SI are very addictive because it can be used as a immediate reliever of stress.
SI seems so foreign and stupid as I type this, but the chaotic emotions I felt are much too complicated to put into words. Many don't seem to understand the choice, saying that there are so many other options. In reality, SI/cutting is a "secret shame," and oftentimes, due to the circumstances involved, the person probably feels very alone and there may be few available outlets for help. And, of course, s/he must want to stop too- and many don't, at least not for awhile. Injuries are usually well-hidden.
This is a broad topic in which a lot remains to be said. While this is slightly off the topic of this blog, I believe this is a pertinent issuse which needs to be addressed. I will probably write more about this in the future, possibly focusing on quitting methods and what to do if someone you know self-injures, topics not covered here. I hope this post provides a good overview and helps to raise awareness about this understated issue.
Self-injury (SI) or self-harm (SH) is deliberate injury inflicted by a person upon-Self-Injury, Wikipedia
his or her own body without suicidal intent. Some scholars
use more technical definitions related to specific aspects of this behavior.
These acts may be aimed at relieving otherwise unbearable emotions, sensations of
unreality and numbness. It is listed in the DSM-IV-TR
as a symptom of borderline
personality disorder and is sometimes associated with mental
illness, a history of trauma and abuse, eating disorders, or
mental traits such as low self-esteem or perfectionism.
There is a positive statistical correlation between self-injury and emotional abuse.[1][2]
Non-fatal self-harm is common in young people worldwide[3] and due to this
prevailance the term self-harm is increasingly used to denote any non-fatal acts
of deliberate self-harm, irrespective of the intention.[4]
By definition, then, a person who self-injures is not immediately suicidal, but it is frequent among severly depressed teens.
What do they do?
The injuries inflicted are only as varied and creative as the injurers themselves. However, common methods include: hitting, scratching, choking by constriction of airway, biting one's own body, picking at and re-opening old wounds, hair pulling, stabbing with wire, pins, paper clips, and other sharp objects, burning (such as cigarette burns), ingesting chemicals or batteries, self-poisoning (OD'ing without the intent of dying on something like pills or alcohol), and self-starvation.
Other activities (such as alcolholism and bulimia) could technically be listed as well, as they bring great harm, but the term SI or SH is generally used for cutting, bruising, scratching behaviors and the like.
Who does it?
Since many self-injurers conceal their injuries, it is impossible to get a solid, concrete numbers. Based on hospital records, psychiatric samples, and general population surveys, it appears that more women self-injure than men, and it is more frequent in younger people. It is estimated in the UK that between 1 in 12 and 1 in 15 people aged 11-25 self-injure. In the US, a study of undergraduates revealed that 9.8% had purposely cut or burned themselves in the past. When the definition of SI was expanded to include head-banging, scratching, and hitting oneself, the numbers rose to 32%.
And lastly, why would anyone ever do this?
This is the big one. I have known many teens (including myself) who have or do self-injure(d), mostly cutting or scratching. Again, the motives are unique to each individual, but some reasons include (bolded are the ones I have seen as more common):
1. Self-injury can temporarily relieve intense feelings, pressure or anxiety.
2. Self-injury may provide a sense of being real, being alive – of feeling something, even pain. It eases the emptiness many feel.
3. Injuring oneself is a way to externalize emotional internal pain – to feel pain on the outside instead of the inside.
4. Self-injury is a way to control and manage pain – unlike the pain experienced through physical or sexual abuse.
5. Self-injury is a way to break emotional numbness (the self-anesthesia that allows someone to cut without feeling the same sense of pain).
6. Self-abuse is self-soothing behavior for someone who does not have other means to calm intense emotions.
7. Self-injury (especially cutting) can leave traces of blood and wounds that may act as a visual form of calming.
8. Self-loathing – some self-injurers are punishing themselves for having strong feelings (which they were/are usually not allowed to express), or for a sense that somehow they are bad and undeserving (an outgrowth of abuse and a belief that it was deserved).
9. Self-battery is often inflicted due to anger towards the person's own actions, such as losing a job or failing a test.
10. Self-injury followed by tending to wounds is a way to express self-care, to be self-nurturing, for someone who never learned how to do that in a more direct way.
11. For some harming oneself can be a way to draw attention to the need for help, to ask for assistance in an indirect way, often because they know no other way or are scared to ask for help. Those with chronic, repetitive self injury do not want attention and hide their scars carefully.
12. Sometimes self-injury is an attempt to affect others – to manipulate them, make them feel guilty or bad, make them care, or make them go away, but this is not nearly as frequent as stereotypes suggest.
13. Intense pain can lead to the release of endorphins and therefore become a means of seeking pleasure.
Cutting and other forms of SI are very addictive because it can be used as a immediate reliever of stress.
SI seems so foreign and stupid as I type this, but the chaotic emotions I felt are much too complicated to put into words. Many don't seem to understand the choice, saying that there are so many other options. In reality, SI/cutting is a "secret shame," and oftentimes, due to the circumstances involved, the person probably feels very alone and there may be few available outlets for help. And, of course, s/he must want to stop too- and many don't, at least not for awhile. Injuries are usually well-hidden.
This is a broad topic in which a lot remains to be said. While this is slightly off the topic of this blog, I believe this is a pertinent issuse which needs to be addressed. I will probably write more about this in the future, possibly focusing on quitting methods and what to do if someone you know self-injures, topics not covered here. I hope this post provides a good overview and helps to raise awareness about this understated issue.
February 16, 2008
Suicide Myths Vs. Facts
Myth: When people are talking about suicide, you should try to get their minds off it and change the subject.
Fact: No. When people talk about suicide, they're serious. Listen with care, let them express themselves, and offer any help you can.
Myth: People who talk about suicide will never actually kill themselves.
Fact: Eighty percent of people speak about their intent.
Myth: Suicide is for the weak.
Fact: Suicide is for the confused and desparate. Personally, I think one has to be very strong to take such a dramatic measure.
Myth: A promise to keep a note unopened and unread should always be kept.
Fact : Where the potential for harm, or actual harm, is disclosed then confidentiality cannot be maintained. A sealed note with the request for the note not to be opened is a very strong indicator that something is seriously amiss. A sealed note is a late sign in the progression towards suicide. Sometimes you have to break promises to the ones you love.
Fact: No. When people talk about suicide, they're serious. Listen with care, let them express themselves, and offer any help you can.
Myth: People who talk about suicide will never actually kill themselves.
Fact: Eighty percent of people speak about their intent.
Myth: Suicide is for the weak.
Fact: Suicide is for the confused and desparate. Personally, I think one has to be very strong to take such a dramatic measure.
Myth: A promise to keep a note unopened and unread should always be kept.
Fact : Where the potential for harm, or actual harm, is disclosed then confidentiality cannot be maintained. A sealed note with the request for the note not to be opened is a very strong indicator that something is seriously amiss. A sealed note is a late sign in the progression towards suicide. Sometimes you have to break promises to the ones you love.
Myth: Attempted or completed suicides happen without warning.
Fact: Those who knew a suicide victim often say that the intention was hidden from them. It is more likely that the intention was not recognized. These warning signs include:
-The recent suicide/ or death by other means/ of a friend or relative.
-Previous suicide attempts.
-Preoccupation with themes of death or expressing suicidal thoughts.
-Depression, conduct disorder and problems with adjustment such as substance abuse- particularly when two or more of these are present.
-Giving away prized possessions/ making a will or other final arrangements.
-Major changes in sleep patterns-too much or too little.
-Sudden and extreme changes in eating habits/ losing or gaining weight.
-Withdrawal from friends/ family or other major behavioral changes.
-Dropping out of group activities.
-Personality changes such as nervousness/ outbursts of anger/ impulsive or reckless behavior/ or apathy about appearance or health.
-Frequent irritability or unexplained crying.
-Lingering expressions of unworthiness or failure.
-Lack of interest in the future
Myth : If a person attempts suicide and survives, they will never make a further attempt.
Fact : A suicide attempt is regarded as an indicator of further attempts. It is likely that the level of danger will increase with each further suicide attempt.
Myth : Once a person is intent on suicide, there is no way of stopping them.
Fact : Suicides can be prevented. People can be helped. Suicidal crises can be relatively short-lived. Suicide is a permanent solution to what usually a temporary problem. Immediate practical help such as staying with the person, encouraging them to talk and helping them build plans for the future, can avert the intention to attempt or complete suicide.
Myth :People who threaten suicide are just seeking attention.
Fact : All suicide attempts must be treated as though the person has the intent to die. Do not dismiss a suicide attempt as simply being an attention-gaining device. It is likely that the person has tried to gain attention and, therefore, this attention is needed. The attention that they get may well save their lives.
Myth : Talking about suicide or asking someone if they feel suicidal will encourage suicide attempts.
Fact : Talking about suicide provides the opportunity for communication. Fears that are shared are more likely to diminish. The first step in encouraging a suicidal person to live comes from talking about feeling. That first step can be the simple inquiry about whether or not the person is intending to end their life. If the answer is yes, ask if they know how they will do it. If they say yes again, ask if they have the means to do it(weapon, etc). If they do have it, take proper preventive care.
Myth : Only certain types of people become suicidal.
Fact : Everyone has the potential for suicide. The evidence is that predisposing conditions may lead to either attempted or completed suicides. It is unlikely that those who do not have the predisposing conditions (for example, depression, conduct disorder, substance abuse, feeling of rejection, rage, emotional pain and anger) will complete suicide.
Myth: Suicide is painless.
Fact : Um, no. Let's just use common logic here. Fiction writers obviously have never committed suicide, otherwise they wouldn't be writing. What is painless, though, is the worldly pain that is gone with death, which is what many seek to end.Myth: When people who are suicidal feel better, they are no longer suicidal.
Fact: Sometimes suicidal people feel better because they have decided to die by suicide, and may feel a sense of relief that the pain will soon be over.
Myth: Young people never think about suicide, they have their entire life ahead of them.
Fact: Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people aged 15-24. Sometimes children under 10 die by suicide.
Myth : Break-ups in relationships happen so frequently, they do not cause suicide.
Fact :Suicide can be precipitated by the loss of a relationship.
Myth :Suicidal young people are insane or mentally ill.
Fact : Although suicidal adolescents are likely to be extremely unhappy and may be classified as having a mood disorder, such as depression, most are not legally insane.
Myth : Most suicides occur in winter months when the weather is poor.
Fact : Seasonal variation data are essentially based on adult suicides, with limited adolescent data available. However, it seems adolescent suicidal behavior is most common during the spring and early summer months.
Myth : Every death is preventable.
Fact : No matter how well intentioned, alert and diligent people's efforts may be, there is no way of preventing all suicides from occurring.
Thank you for reading this long, probably dry and boring post. I gathered this information from a variety of websites.
February 14, 2008
Valentine's Day
The suicide rate is highest around Valentine's day than any other time of the year. To me, that isn't all that surprising- when else does a loveless person feel so unloved?
Happy S.A.D.
Singles
Awareness
Day
To veer off the topic of this blog, I personally don't see why there is a certain day set aside- shouldn't everyone show love for each other all year around?
February 13, 2008
Thinking
I've decided I'm not as ready as I thought to tell what happened after my suicide attempt to the general public. It's just too hard, and I don't want to break down again. I've never realized that the months to follow were so much worse.
Recovery is such a long process, and I even slid way backwards for awhile in there. But right now I'm okay for the most part. I may be broken, but I'm not shattered anymore.
When I finally started to get back out into the world, I was so much more attuned to the number of teens and people in general with problems like I had. I don't think I ignored them before, but I didn't really understand and felt weird hanging out with those sorts of people. Oftentimes I wonder if I could ever go back to being so ignorant and so... well, normal.
Last night I decided that I'm not entirely sure I would change my past, as awful as it sounds. Because of it I believe I'm a better person in some ways, but it was so indescribly horrible it usually doesn't seem worth it. I guess it's good that in reality changing the past isn't an option.
I also wonder where I would be right now. Most definately not writing this blog, and I would probably be a lot more immature and innocent. I wouldn't have the wonderful friends I have now either, unfortunately. (for if one of you is reading this: :-D )
Recovery is such a long process, and I even slid way backwards for awhile in there. But right now I'm okay for the most part. I may be broken, but I'm not shattered anymore.
When I finally started to get back out into the world, I was so much more attuned to the number of teens and people in general with problems like I had. I don't think I ignored them before, but I didn't really understand and felt weird hanging out with those sorts of people. Oftentimes I wonder if I could ever go back to being so ignorant and so... well, normal.
Last night I decided that I'm not entirely sure I would change my past, as awful as it sounds. Because of it I believe I'm a better person in some ways, but it was so indescribly horrible it usually doesn't seem worth it. I guess it's good that in reality changing the past isn't an option.
I also wonder where I would be right now. Most definately not writing this blog, and I would probably be a lot more immature and innocent. I wouldn't have the wonderful friends I have now either, unfortunately. (for if one of you is reading this: :-D )
February 10, 2008
Yeah, I guess I'm stalling...
It's just so hard to go through roughly 200 pages of rants, trying to figure out what's important and what to put in here, re-living the worst months of my life.... and trying not to break down again. So today, I'm bringing to you another image from the Internet.
EDIT: Oops. I didn't realize it wouldn't fit in the column. Well, it's still readable, and that's pretty much what matters.
MY ANALYSIS: I've talked to many teens who feel as though they're trapped in a sea of unseeing happy people. They feel as if they shouldn't be depressed, no, they should be happy just like everyone else. No one cares, no one sees, no one takes them seriously, shrugging it off as typical teenage behavior. But, really, it destroys them. Feeling like you're alone in the world is one of the worst things to feel. Suicide is viewed as the only way to escape.
EDIT: Oops. I didn't realize it wouldn't fit in the column. Well, it's still readable, and that's pretty much what matters.
MY ANALYSIS: I've talked to many teens who feel as though they're trapped in a sea of unseeing happy people. They feel as if they shouldn't be depressed, no, they should be happy just like everyone else. No one cares, no one sees, no one takes them seriously, shrugging it off as typical teenage behavior. But, really, it destroys them. Feeling like you're alone in the world is one of the worst things to feel. Suicide is viewed as the only way to escape.
February 8, 2008
Anonymous Speaks
I have not had much time to work on future posts, but today I would like to share with you an image I found on Photobucket (http://www.photobucket.com/). As with anything on the Internet, one can never know who originally made or wrote it.
It makes me happy to know one life was saved.
I'm thinking this might've possibly been a PostSecret. If anyone knows, please say so.
It makes me happy to know one life was saved.
I'm thinking this might've possibly been a PostSecret. If anyone knows, please say so.
February 6, 2008
Part Two
This is when the depression and loneliness began to set in. I spent weeks in hiding, mourning Eva’s death and what I could’ve done to prevent it. Even then, I knew nothing would’ve helped unless I had been told the reason. Those were dark days. Very dark days.
I saw no reason to go on living, seeing as my days were filled with nothing but misery, pain, suffering, and sadness. Martin tried to talk with me about it, but I ignored him. This was my private inner battle. He needed no part in it. The only way I could think of to end it was to join Eva and do what she did.
One week after that fateful summer’s day, I had the good fortune to be left alone at my house. My parents were both working; Martin was out with his girlfriend after apparently deciding I was beyond consolation; Naomi, Hayden, and Ben (my other siblings) were all elsewhere. Here was my chance to do what I felt I must.
Unlike Eva, I sat down to write my suicide note. It’s very short and goes like this:
Dear Everyone,
By the time you’ve read this, I will be dead. Please don’t think I did this because of something you’d done; no, it was my decision and mine alone.
I see no point in continuing my existence here in this cold, impersonal, and selfish world. If indeed there is an afterlife, I guess I will see you there.
Love always,
Mariah
I finish signing my name with tears in my eyes. For some reason, I’d thought committing suicide would be easier than this.
“Mariah?”
I spin around. Martin is standing in the doorway. Why in the universes hadn’t I heard him come back?
“I didn’t go out; I’ve been watching you this whole time,” he says, answering my question. He is crying, and as I reach up to touch my face, I realize I am too.
“Mariah, please don’t do it. Please don’t murder yourself.”
Well, when he puts it THAT way…
Martin grabs me by the shoulders (he’s a lot taller than me). “Mariah, I know you’re doing this because of Eva. But it’s not going to take away from the amount of pain in the world- it’ll add to it. I’ll feel the same way you’re feeling now, and then what? I love you. Please don’t go.”
And then for the first time, a ray of light penetrates the massive dark cloud hanging over me, and I briefly feel a fierce desire to LIVE.
____________________________________________________________________
So that ends my story. I’m still struggling with the aftermath of it one year later, and I still have a lot of answered questions about why Eva left. I still imagine what might’ve happened had Martin not been there, but never in a million years would I want to change it.
My writing has played a huge role in my recovery, but still not as large as Martin’s. I would like to thank him now for saving my life. I would also like to thank everyone who has read this from start to finish.
I now know that I have no control over what has happened in the past, but I CAN change my future.
But my struggle simply didn't end there. This is only the very beginning. It may take a while for me to get the next bits up, for this was all I ever posted elsewhere.
I don't think I've said this anywhere, so I will now: Comments are both welcome and appreciated. I want to hear your thoughts.
I saw no reason to go on living, seeing as my days were filled with nothing but misery, pain, suffering, and sadness. Martin tried to talk with me about it, but I ignored him. This was my private inner battle. He needed no part in it. The only way I could think of to end it was to join Eva and do what she did.
One week after that fateful summer’s day, I had the good fortune to be left alone at my house. My parents were both working; Martin was out with his girlfriend after apparently deciding I was beyond consolation; Naomi, Hayden, and Ben (my other siblings) were all elsewhere. Here was my chance to do what I felt I must.
Unlike Eva, I sat down to write my suicide note. It’s very short and goes like this:
Dear Everyone,
By the time you’ve read this, I will be dead. Please don’t think I did this because of something you’d done; no, it was my decision and mine alone.
I see no point in continuing my existence here in this cold, impersonal, and selfish world. If indeed there is an afterlife, I guess I will see you there.
Love always,
Mariah
I finish signing my name with tears in my eyes. For some reason, I’d thought committing suicide would be easier than this.
“Mariah?”
I spin around. Martin is standing in the doorway. Why in the universes hadn’t I heard him come back?
“I didn’t go out; I’ve been watching you this whole time,” he says, answering my question. He is crying, and as I reach up to touch my face, I realize I am too.
“Mariah, please don’t do it. Please don’t murder yourself.”
Well, when he puts it THAT way…
Martin grabs me by the shoulders (he’s a lot taller than me). “Mariah, I know you’re doing this because of Eva. But it’s not going to take away from the amount of pain in the world- it’ll add to it. I’ll feel the same way you’re feeling now, and then what? I love you. Please don’t go.”
And then for the first time, a ray of light penetrates the massive dark cloud hanging over me, and I briefly feel a fierce desire to LIVE.
____________________________________________________________________
So that ends my story. I’m still struggling with the aftermath of it one year later, and I still have a lot of answered questions about why Eva left. I still imagine what might’ve happened had Martin not been there, but never in a million years would I want to change it.
My writing has played a huge role in my recovery, but still not as large as Martin’s. I would like to thank him now for saving my life. I would also like to thank everyone who has read this from start to finish.
I now know that I have no control over what has happened in the past, but I CAN change my future.
But my struggle simply didn't end there. This is only the very beginning. It may take a while for me to get the next bits up, for this was all I ever posted elsewhere.
I don't think I've said this anywhere, so I will now: Comments are both welcome and appreciated. I want to hear your thoughts.
February 5, 2008
Part One
This is my story, of what happened to me and what drove me to attempt suicide, but it is my friend's and my brother's story, and it could be anyone else's as well. I have decided to relate it in two parts, this being the first.
Please note that this is adapted (some changes for clarity) from my posts on the now-extinct www.maximumrideforum.com.
___________________________________________________________________
One and a half years ago, I was a happy, relatively normal teenager. I’ve always been somewhat of an introvert, but at that point I still had both of the two people whom I loved more than the world: my friend Eva (this is not her real name, but I am going to call her that for security purposes) and my brother Martin.
Eva and I had been best friends since we were toddlers. Hardly an hour could go by without one of us calling, emailing, or IM'ing the other. I don’t know how to describe the depth of our friendship, but I have never made another friend like Eva, and I doubt I ever will be able to in the future.
About Martin- he’s my brother, so he’s bound to get on my nerves. Us being the exact same age doesn’t exactly help. Yes, you’ve got it- we’re twins. The truth is, Martin and I are very close. We tell each other everything. And I do mean EVERYTHING. This is going to sound weird to all of you people out there who have siblings you fight with all the time (I know what it’s like, I fight with my other siblings a lot.), but even at that time Martin knew as many, if not more, of my secrets as did Eva.
_________________________________________________________________
All right, I’ve set the stage. That itself was more emotional than I thought it would be, so I’m really going to have to steel myself for the next part.
_____________________________________________________________________
It was a gorgeous summer day, just like any other, until Eva’s mom called. I was unloading the dishwasher; my mother picked up the phone. I don’t know exactly what passed between them, but the next thing I know, my mother’s handing me the phone with a solemn look on her face.
Mrs. Smythe (Eva’s mom) sounded like she had been crying. Right away, I knew something had happened to Eva.
“Are you all right?” I asked, even though I knew “no” was the answer.
“Mariah, honey,” Mrs. Smythe sobbed, “your friend Eva has gone to heaven.” (The Smythes are Catholic.)
“NO!” Eva couldn’t have died; she was only fourteen! I had spoken with her scarcely five hours before. She had sounded just like her regular self; we had make plans to go to the movies together the next day. (Which of course didn’t rule out a freak accident, but I wasn’t thinking that straight at the time.) The last words she had said to me over the phone were, “Got to go.” I was in denial. Nothing was wrong whatsoever.
Over the rest of the evening and into the night, I learned the details of Eva’s apparent suicide. Mrs. Smythe had come home from work to find Eva dead in her room. She had strangled herself using a leather belt. There was no note or anything to suggest why she had killed herself.
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I will repeat this again: I was in denial. It was all like a nightmare I could wake up from or a movie I could turn away from.
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Eva’s funeral was a few days later. I don’t really remember getting ready or driving to the funeral home. Those last few days had passed in such a haze.
I filed with the rest of my family past Eva’s casket. Her long blonde hair was neatly combed, and she was wearing a nice skirt and collared shirt, neither of which she would ever wear in life.
It was then that the realization hit. Eva was GONE; gone forever. This shell, this fragment, lying before me wasn’t Eva. A torrent of conflicting emotions raged inside me. Why, I wanted to scream to her wherever she might be; why did you do this to me? Why did you leave me stranded like this? Eva, you lived a happy life (or so I thought) and brought joy into so many others’. I loved you. Why did you have to go?
I could not bear to stick around for the funeral. Some friend I turned out to be.
February 4, 2008
The Statistics
Firstly, before I do anything else, I would like to provide some basic backround information on teen suicide. I have cross-checked these numbers with various resourses.
Teen suicide is the third leading cause for death in the United States among young people aged 15-24, after unintentional injuries and homocide. The rate is 9.9/100,000, or 0.01%.
In youth aged 10-14, it is 1.3/100,000 or 272 deaths among 20,910,440 children in this age group.
The teen suicide rate among youth aged 15-19 is 7.9/100,000 or 1,611 deaths among 20,271,312 teenagers in this age group.
Among young people 20 to 24 years of age, the youth suicide rate was 12/100,000 or 2,360 deaths among 19,711,423 people in this age group.
It is estimated that for every death by suicide, there are 8-25 more attempts that did not result in death.
4 out of 5 teens give clear warning signs before attempting suicide.
Yes, these are morbid numbers, I know, but hiding from them isn't going to make them go away.
Teen suicide is the third leading cause for death in the United States among young people aged 15-24, after unintentional injuries and homocide. The rate is 9.9/100,000, or 0.01%.
In youth aged 10-14, it is 1.3/100,000 or 272 deaths among 20,910,440 children in this age group.
The teen suicide rate among youth aged 15-19 is 7.9/100,000 or 1,611 deaths among 20,271,312 teenagers in this age group.
Among young people 20 to 24 years of age, the youth suicide rate was 12/100,000 or 2,360 deaths among 19,711,423 people in this age group.
It is estimated that for every death by suicide, there are 8-25 more attempts that did not result in death.
4 out of 5 teens give clear warning signs before attempting suicide.
Yes, these are morbid numbers, I know, but hiding from them isn't going to make them go away.
February 3, 2008
Welcome
So.
I never know how to start these things.
Name's Mariah. I'm sixteen years old. I've survived both a suicide of a loved one and my own attempt.
I've created this blog in hopes that my expiriences may help someone in a similar situation, and to educate the public that teen depression and suicide are very real and important issues today. Though many would prefer not to face them, I believe it is vital that they are more widely known and recognized.
Thank you for viewing, and please do return.
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